The Four Inescapable Rules of Life
by Lokaia
Summary: This entire thing is based on something one of my professors said to me once. enjoy.
1. Rule 1

Title:: The Four Inescapable Rules of Life  
  
Author:: Lokaia  
  
Summary:: This entire fic is based around something one of my professors said.  
  
Disclaimer:: Space Cases and The Rules do not belong to me. SC is Peter David's and Bill Mumy's. The Rules belong to my 060 professor.  
  
Rating:: Not sure yet, but at the moment it's probably PG-13 for later cursing.  
  
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There are four inescapable rules of life. That's it. You would think there would be more, but there's not. Just four. No more, no less.  
  
How do I know this?  
  
My name is Bova. I'm from the planet Uranus, located in the Solar System, and before that, you could call up my ancestors on an older-than-everything planet called Rigel.  
  
Currently, you can find me bored in the team room of the starship Christa, somewhere in unidentified space.  
  
That last location is why I know about these rules. No, not the team room. Not even unidentified space, though that is where most of my experiences with the rules occur.  
  
The Christa. She is out to get us all. And she follows these rules to the letter. I should know. I've been documenting them since we boarded this ship. I'm writing a thesis. So when I'm sitting on the couch, writing Ms. Davenport's latest essay, and the intercom flares to life and barks  
  
"All hands to Command Post!"  
  
in Commander Goddard's voice, I think I'm the only who isn't surprised.  
  
"Oh, Grozit, what now?" Suzee grumbles, glaring at the intercom as if to will it to say, "Just kidding!"  
  
The rules do not bend to your will, Suzee, no matter how many of us on the Christa do.  
  
Speaking of which, Harlan has already jumped up, rushing to the jumptubes and Radu is just behind him. He turns around and says, "Come on!" and even though it's focused towards us all, Rosie takes this as an open invitation and grabs his hand. They run off down the hall together.  
  
Suzee's still sitting there grumbling. "Well, if everyone else is going…" She gets up and leaves me behind.  
  
I glance at the completely unfinished essay in my hands.  
  
Davenport can wait. I've got my thesis to work on.  
  
"Bova!"  
  
I can hear my name being called before I'm even out of the jumptube. When I land, everyone is looking at me and, with the exception of Rosie, looking a little annoyed.  
  
"Took you long enough," Harlan grumbles, turning his attention back to the view screen.  
  
Goddard just glares at him before turning back to me. "Bova, I need you to scan the ship in front of us."  
  
"Yes, sir." I'd stopped pointing out the glaringly obvious danger to all of Commander Goddard's plans a long time ago. Not only was it pointless, but really, it was only helping my thesis.  
  
I type in a few commands to my console and wait while the sensors activate. I glance over the readings, automatically repeating the rules in my head and sighed. They never failed, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do more research today.  
  
"Mr. Bova? What did you find?"  
  
Oh well.  
  
"No life forms, Commander." I re-thought that. "Well, no carbon based life forms."  
  
"So it's empty," Harlan said, disappointed.  
  
"No, there just aren't any carbon based life forms," Ms. Davenport commented, walking through the doors of the Command Post. "There could be a number of different species still present, Mr. Band."  
  
"What sort of ship design is that?" Suzee asked suddenly. "I've never seen anything like it."  
  
Goddard shook his head. "I haven't either. It looks more like a custom design, but not completely foreign. See? There's part of the Rigelian alphabet, but I'm not sure which sect."  
  
Rosie squinted at the ship. "Me neither. It's not Mercurian."  
  
Suzee was quiet for a moment, then shook her head. "It's not Saturnian, either."  
  
I was staring in surprise at the ship in front of us. "It's Uranusian," I said, shocked.  
  
Harlan groaned. "Great. Just what we need. A ship full of Bova."  
  
Goddard sent him a disapproving glare, but I could tell he wasn't thrilled about it either.  
  
Truth be told, neither was I. But I think mine was for an entirely different reason.  
  
"Bova's carbon-based, silly!" Rosie told Harlan. Rushing to my defense, as always. Yes, I am indeed carbon-based. "Uranusians would have shown up on the scanners."  
  
"Uranusian-Rigelians," Suzee added. I think she was the first to notice the look I'd put on my face. Just to see if anyone noticed. Go, Suzee. "Bova, what's the matter?"  
  
I shook my head. "There aren't any Rigelians in there."  
  
"What is?" Radu asked. He was watching me intently. Now that I thought about it, it had probably been him, not Suzee, to notice my discomfort. She had just said something first.  
  
"Well… if I'm right, which I very well couldn't be… there's a Uranusian animal called a creye."  
  
"Is it dangerous?" Goddard asked.  
  
"No, not really," I told him, shaking my head.  
  
Within seconds, my crewmates had decided to investigate the Rigelian ship and the creyes.  
  
What they didn't hear was my attempts to explain that no, creyes weren't dangerous in the way that Earth Egyptian tombs weren't dangerous. If you left them alone, they weren't going to do anything to you.  
  
If you bug them, they have a tendency to spit salt acid out at you and melt your face off.  
  
But, of course, they didn't hear that.  
  
#1 Inescapable Rule of Life:: Things are going to get bad.  
  
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(A/N) Interested in finding out what the other three Rules are? 


	2. Rule 2

Title:: The Four Inescapable Rules of Life  
  
Author:: Lokaia  
  
Summary:: This entire fic is based around something one of my professors said.  
  
Disclaimer:: Space Cases and The Rules do not belong to me. SC is Peter David's and Bill Mumy's. The Rules belong to my 060 professor.  
  
Rating:: PG-13  
  
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There's a problem with being right all the time.   
  
It means you're right.   
  
All the time.   
  
And that's very, very bad. Especially when you're me.   
  
I had finally caught up with the rest of my crewmates and tried to explain to them what a creye is, and what it can do.   
  
"Wait!" gasp "You don't!" wheeze "Understand!" choke   
  
It was a little difficult.   
  
"Bova, what's the matter?" Commander Goddard put a hand on my shoulder, looking at me with concern. To his credit, he was trying to pay attention to me while Harlan and Radu waited in front of the docking bay.   
  
I decided to give myself a few more minutes of breathing time. Or I had until Suzee decided to use the intercom.   
  
"Commander, the ship's inside."   
  
"Thank you, Suzee." The Commander patted my shoulder again and turned away.   
  
Oh, no you don't.   
  
"Commander, there's something you should know about the creyes." I thought about that. "Well, actually, you'll probably find out on your own soon enough..."  
  
His glanced at me in concern. "Are creyes dangerous?"   
  
"They can be. There's no reason for you to bring them in here because they're pretty useless."   
  
"Pretty useless?" I glanced over at Harlan, leaning against the wall beside the bay's controls. "So they're pretty useful, too, aren't they?"   
  
I shrugged. "Sort of."   
  
"What do they do, Bova?" I looked away from the Commander, not wanting to answer.  
  
"If you piss them off, they spit salt acid at you," I told him helpfully.  
  
He frowned, thinking about that. "Harlan, Radu, leave the door for a minute." The other two reluctantly left their posts and stood facing me. "Okay. Salt acid. What do they do that's useful?"  
  
"Well, if you disregard that whole 'salt acid' thing, primitive Uranusians used to use their skins to help concentrate power."  
  
Goddard's eyes flashed in recognition. "We could use it to increase the power of the engines?"  
  
I sighed. "Yes, but--"  
  
"If we have to skin something, Rosie won't be happy, Commander," Radu said. I think he was trying to help me out.  
  
"If we have to skin something to get home faster, Rosie will get over it," Harlan replied. He shot me an angry glare. "Why didn't you say this right away?"  
  
I shrugged. "Since when does anyone listen to me?"  
  
The others ignored me, Goddard considering all that had just been said. "Bova... is there a way to contain it without it spitting at us?"  
  
"Theoretically."  
  
The commander raised an eyebrow. "Theoretically?"  
  
"Well, people have tried and its supposed to work, but considering as how they were dead by the time they were found--"  
  
"Okay, Bova." Goddard sighed and glanced at the door to the docking bay. "Bova, last question: is it worth it to try and capture this creature?"  
  
I looked around at all of them. Goddard was resigned to a pessimistic answer, Harlan looked hopeful, Radu was worried.  
  
I thought about the people who had tried to catch a creye and the techniques you were supposed to use. If we all worked together, and Thelma operated somewhat normally... maybe...  
  
I met the commander's gaze. "No."  
  
"Oh, come ON!" Harlan exploded. He turned to Goddard, angrily. "Commander, this is our chance to get home faster! Home!"  
  
Goddard frowned. "Mr. Band, we don't know anything about this creature. We have to rely on Mr. Bova's knowledge."  
  
"Bova's knowledge of what?" he demanded. "What's going to go wrong? What could go wrong? How it's going to go wrong? Why it's going to go wrong? Where and when it's going to go wrong? Even if he did have an idea of how it would work, he wouldn't tell us!"  
  
Goddard glared at Harlan, silencing him, and turned back to me. "Mr. Bova," he began, speaking slowly. "Is there any possible way that you can see us succeeding in using the creye to help our engines?"  
  
I paused. If I said yes, they'd do something stupid. If I said no, they'd probably doing something stupid anyway. So...  
  
"Well, theoretically..."  
  
"You see?" Harlan said. "He's letting pessimism get the better of him!"  
  
Goddard sighed and gestured for Harlan to shut up. "Mr. Bova, you understand our reluctance to take your word for it?"  
  
I nodded. "Oh, sure."  
  
Goddard smiled and turned back to Radu and Harlan. "Open hatch, boys."  
  
#2 Inescapable Rule of Life:: Things are going to get worse before they get better. 


	3. Rule 3

Title:: The Four Inescapable Rules of Life Author:: Lokaia Summary:: See Rule 1 Rating:: See Rule 1 Disclaimer:: See Rule 1 (A/N) It was kinda funny because this morning, my teacher randomly repeated the rules... And I know this chapter is short, but the next, and final, chapter is also short and should be up soon. ---  
  
"COMMANDER, WATCH OUT!"  
  
"Harlan, MOVE!"  
  
"BOVA, ZAP IT!"  
  
"What do you think *electricity* is going to do to a *Uranusian* animal?" I yelled back, dodging the stupid thing. Everyone thinks I'm being pessimistic when I say no one listens to me.  
  
Well, the acid-spitting creye, now zooming around the hallways, was sort of a point for me in that.  
  
"Bova!" Goddard yells. "How do we contain it?"  
  
"With a lot of difficulty," I shouted back.  
  
"*Bova*!"  
  
I sighed, watching the creye. It's about the size of an Earther house cat, but it looks nothing like one besides that. It has a little stubby body and thick, rubbery blue skin. It has two eyes at the front of its face and one on each side. It also has a tiny little antennae in the middle of its forehead.  
  
I freaking *hate* creyes.  
  
One of my grade school teachers brought one into class once. No one would go near it, so she had to point out its anatomy with a pole.  
  
"This is where its lungs are located... and here is its pancreas--"  
  
Creyes don't like being poked in the pancreas. That was the end of our science projects.  
  
Its the end of a lot of things when they're doused in salt-acid.  
  
But right before that, the teacher had said something. Something about the skin and how it was used to concentrate power and how to *safely* harvest it and--  
  
"BOVA, LOOK OUT!"  
  
I dodged to the side as the creye rocketed past my legs straight into...  
  
A jumptube.  
  
Goddard voiced what we were all thinking.  
  
"Shit."  
  
---  
  
"So what do we do?" Harlan asked, panting. Glancing around, I realized that all of us were panting, sweating, and bruised from our little creye-encounter. Well, except Radu. He just looked a little shaken.  
  
I realized that Harlan's question had actually been directed at me and I frowned. "What do we *do*? *Now* you're asking me? We listen to me twenty minutes ago, *that's* what we do!"  
  
"Bova." Goddard sighed and glanced around at us. "All right, here's what we'll do. Bova, you go with Harlan, Radu come with me. We'll try to get it into one room and go from there. Okay?"  
  
"Maybe we should get Rosie and Suzee down here too," Radu suggested. "They could be really helpful."  
  
Goddard nodded. "Harlan, both of them are stationed in the Command Post right now. Call and ask if they'll meet us here."  
  
Harlan nodded and pressed the intercom at the neck of his jacket. "Suzee, Rosie?"  
  
"Oh, hi, Harlan!" Rosie perky tone only seemed to darken Bova's mood at the moment. "What's going on?"  
  
"We have a sort of... situation right now," Harlan said carefully.  
  
"Really? What?"  
  
"Well... there's this *animal*..."  
  
"Is it blue?"  
  
Harlan started, staring at us in surprise. "Yes."  
  
"And kind of rubbery?"  
  
"....Yes."  
  
"And *really* cute?"  
  
Harlan's jaw dropped in horror. As we all raced to the jumptubes, I could hear Harlan screaming, "ROSIE, GET AWAY FROM IT NOW! SALT ACID DOES NOT A PET MAKE!"  
  
#3 Inescapable Rule of Life:: Who said things were going to get better? 


	4. Rule 4

Title:: The Four Inescapable Rules of Life  
  
Author:: Lokaia  
  
Summary:: See Rule 1  
  
Disclaimer:: See Rule 1  
  
Rating:: See Rule 1  
  
(A/N) Last chapter! Hope you all like it!  
  
--  
  
"Hi, guys!" Our reaction to Rosie's sunny smile was even more annoyed as we realized she was holding the creye.  
  
No, not just holding. *Petting*.  
  
The damn Mercurian was *PETTING* the creye!  
  
"Rosie, put that down!" Goddard was trying to keep the rest of us a safe distance away. I didn't think it was the appropriate time to tell him creye's have a spitting distance of fifteen feet.  
  
"You could get hurt!"  
  
Nope. Definitely not the time.  
  
Rosie only giggled. "Oh, Commander, it's not going to hurt me. It's been sitting in my lap this whole time!"  
  
"It's hasn't even moved," Suzee added. "It's just been sitting there."  
  
"Bova?" I turned to face Radu, who was staring at Rosie and the thing in her arms. "Er.. how many hearts do creyes have?"  
  
"Just one."  
  
"Oh. Uh. Does it have a really slow heartbeat?"  
  
"No, not really. It's pretty aver--" I stopped mid-sentence and realized what he was saying. "You can't hear a heartbeat?"  
  
Radu shook his head, looking concerned. Whether it was because we'd wasted all our energy on catching something was no longer breathing, or remorse for the creye, I wasn't sure.  
  
"So it's dead?" Harlan asked hopefully.  
  
Rosie gasped, looking down at the thing in her arms in worry. "Oh, no, it's dead?"  
  
I have to point out right now, that this was the closest I had ever come to smiling in my life. "No! It's better than dead!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Ms. Davenport asked. She and the rest of the crew were watching me, all with matching confused expressions. Yay, coordination.  
  
I had suddenly remembered that day when a teacher had brought a creye to class. After poking it with a pole, the creature had taken off like a shot, dashing around the room in circles. Our teacher kept yelling about going for help while we caught it, but considering the fact that my five year old classmates were, in fact, five years old, we weren't about to try and catch it.  
  
And suddenly, as it went zooming around the room, the creye stopped, shuddered, and *leapt out of its skin*.  
  
A brighter blue creye then jumped out the window.  
  
I walked towards Rosie and pulled the thing out of her lap.  
  
"Bova!"  
  
I turned to face the crew's horrified expressions, holding an admittedly heavy skin in my arms. Very, *very* close to smiling. "Commander, what you need to do now is ask Thelma if she can put some Uranusian vegetation into the creye's ship. A lot of it. Really stock it up. Because when it realizes there's food in there, and jumps into the ship of its own free will, I want to seal that ship for the next thousand years."  
  
"Wait." Rosie stood beside me, and was now poking the skin I was holding. "It.. it's just a skin?"  
  
"A *three inch* skin," I corrected. "It's a defense mechanism to fool predators."  
  
I could hear everyone sigh in relief at the same time. "Thelma?" Goddard called.  
  
"Yes, Commander?" she replied, about an inch away from his ear.  
  
Goddard sighed. "Thelma, I need you to go to the ship we found the creye in and fill it with enough food for the creye to live out its natural life span."  
  
Thelma smiled. "Of course, Commander. Do you think the creye would prefer hamburgers or cheeseburgers?"  
  
"Uranusian vegetation, Thelma," I told her, handing the skin back to Rosie.  
  
"Right," Goddard agreed. "After you're finished with that, I want you to monitor when the creye re-enters its ship. Then seal the ship and eject it. All right?"  
  
"Yes, Commander."  
  
"Suzee," Goddard continued as the android left. "I want you and Bova to come with me and figure out how to use that skin on the engines."  
  
As I reluctantly took the skin back into my arms, Rosie smiled at me. "Well.. at least we never get bored here!"  
  
"I could think of better things to do," I replied. Still.. I held some hope that maybe the Fourth Rule wouldn't come into play.  
  
--  
  
The next day, with our engines thirty-five percent stronger and the Christa salt-acid-free, I was almost in a good mood as we filed into Ms. Davenport's class.  
  
"All right, class," she begins with a smile that speaks of torment and torture. "Please turn in your essays."  
  
You know.. it's really stupid to think that if Rule One, Two, and Three happen, Rule Four won't be right behind them. At least, that's what I was thinking as I sat in my seat, remembering that I had left my compupad (and thus, my unfinished essay) in the team room yesterday. Right before the discovery of the creye.  
  
Really, *really* stupid.  
  
#4 Inescapable Rule of Life:: See #1. 


End file.
